Anonymous

Understanding Myself and my Womanhood through DPDR

I developed DPDR very suddenly during my first year of university, after being sexually assaulted by a man on my course at a party. The incident occurred at what was probably the worst possible time, two weeks before the first COVID lockdown. Straight away I remember feeling incredibly numb, I was still attending lectures and seeing others in social settings, but even though I was physically present I didn’t feel like I was really there. I felt so disconnected but I just assumed I was in shock after what had happened and it would go away soon – it didn’t.

At this time, I was dating a guy but it was your typical early twenties situationship. He would lie, cheat and only ever talk about himself – something that, in conjunction with being sexually assaulted, caused me to question my self-worth as a woman. I wanted more emotional connection and pursued that relationship at the expense of myself. He wouldn’t commit but he also didn’t respect me enough to leave. Ultimately, I began to view myself as less of a person and more of an object.

We went into lockdown and university continued virtually. I was usually someone who was very passionate about my course and loved the work I was assigned but I felt no desire to continue working. I no longer found purpose through my studies, or anything for that matter. That was my first real indication that something wasn’t right so I suspended my studies for a year to work on my mental health and ‘fix’ myself in 12 months, believing it would take a year to make myself ‘normal again’.

As well as the feelings previously mentioned I was also developing strong insomnia, nightmares and flashbacks – all symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I began seeing an online therapist, a PTSD specialist who confirmed my concerns that I had PTSD. We began weekly sessions of Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy. Over the initial weeks of PTSD therapy my insomnia, nightmares and flashbacks began to become less intense. However, my feelings of disconnection had worsened so much. It got to the point where I felt like I didn’t exist, I felt as though I had no purpose, no desire and no sense of self. I realised I hadn’t felt my regular emotions in weeks. I only felt a deep sadness and faint distress for my loss of self and inability to experience life the way I had only a couple months ago. Even my feelings of distress felt like they were locked away somewhere inside of me that I couldn’t reach.

I remember trying to explain this experience to close friends at the time who were sad for me but I could tell they didn’t understand which, at no fault of theirs, only made the disconnection feel worse. So, I brought this up to my therapist who told me that I might have something called Depersonalisation Derealisation Disorder (DPDR). She explained that while DPDR can manifest through different ways, when it comes through trauma it can occur alongside PTSD. Unfortunately, as DPDR therapy and research isn’t common, she wasn’t trained for it and her knowledge was limited. However, she had heard that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) would be more beneficial for someone with DPDR symptoms over EMDR. So, we switched from EMDR to CBT.

In terms of my relationship, I had kept the guy I was seeing up to date with everything from the sexual assault to the therapy and even the loss of my sense of self. To all of this he was very understanding and sympathetic, which definitely helped at the time. When the COVID restrictions partially lifted we saw each other for the first time in roughly six months and three months since the sexual assault. During this visit he wanted to have sex. I wasn’t sure if I was ready after what had happened but, after months of questioning my worth as a woman, I was pretty sure that if I didn’t have sex with him, he wouldn’t find enough of a reason to stay with me (which was definitely not a healthy mindset at all). So, we did and honestly in those moments it was fine. Afterwards we talked and we laughed and I felt so proud of myself for not ‘being broken’. That evening, I walked him to the train station where he broke up with me and even told me he had planned to break up with me that day and had discussed it with multiple friends. So, it dawned on me that he hadn’t come over because he wanted to spend time with me, he came over to use me for sex. 

I had confided in him about my sexual assault, my therapy and the feeling of being more of an object than a woman. The latter issue he had just contributed to significantly. I cried at the sheer shock of it, he shouted at me and then he left. A few weeks later the MeToo Movement came about. The guy I had dated was someone who presented a very progressive presence. At his university he was working as a member of his student council who represented social issues. As a result of this he was posting almost daily about rape culture and women’s suffering on his social media. The fact that some people will use women’s issues to make themselves seen as safe and progressive, was the final nail in the coffin of me feeling like being a woman is meant to be seen as an object of use – not a person. Which ultimately made my DPDR significantly worse.

In total I had therapy for nine months. Not so surprisingly I did not manage to ‘fix’ myself like I thought I would in less than a year. That’s not to say the CBT didn’t help. It was through CBT that I learnt different grounding techniques to help bring me back to myself. I found the two that work best for me are walking barefoot and using scent. Feeling physical sensations under my feet really helps me to connect to my physical environment – grounding myself in reality. Through CBT I was also able to associate positive memories of moments I felt really connected to the smell of vanilla. Now whenever I smell vanilla, I am reminded that I can connect to others and because of that I do have a sense of self and I do exist. When I’m out of the house I often bring vanilla wax melts with me, so if I feel that I am slipping into feelings of disconnection I can keep them from getting too intense.

When I left therapy, I still suffered (and still do) from DPDR. Reflecting back on my time in therapy I think what would have been most beneficial for me (alongside the CBT) would have been some sort of talk therapy with someone who understands DPDR. What I craved most at that time was connection but whenever I tried to talk to my friends or my therapist about how I was feeling they didn’t understand and I came away feeling more isolated and ‘not real’. 

Unfortunately, we live in a time where DPDR is not well researched or understood and the available resources for it are so limited. I only learnt this year after Kate created MostlyKate that there is even a DPDR clinic in London. I remember scouring the internet for professional help only to find a couple clinically written research papers that would end along the same lines of ‘not much is understood about how to cure DPDR’ and ‘more research is needed’. Ultimately, I left therapy because I felt like I hit a sort of glass ceiling with how much the CBT was able to help with.

Both during and after therapy I had, what I would describe as, ‘very intense’ DPDR. It was during this time that I felt 100% disconnected all of the time, with no sense of self and a very limited emotional range. However, I did manage to improve my DPDR further post-therapy to a point where I would now describe my DPDR as ‘mild’. I still experience disconnection but never to 100% anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing grasp on my sense of self and my ability to feel my emotions as fully as I usually do, but these feelings might last for a couple of days at most (compared to the months they lasted before) and with my grounding techniques I find it so much easier to pull myself back from disconnection now.

Even though I still experience periods of DPDR I no longer associate being a woman with being an object, which has helped me overcome my DPDR immensely. Until this year I didn’t know anyone else with DPDR but I have known countless women who have been made to feel objectified and lesser than men. Even if they don’t have DPDR a lot of people have gone through periods in their life where they feel disconnected and struggle with their sense of self. If you are a woman with DPDR (or even if you don’t have it) I can’t recommend women’s groups enough. We’re living in a time where it’s so easy to search for a local or online community for women to connect and talk. So many of these groups have spaces for women to discuss mental health and women’s issues. And if you don’t identify as a woman there are so many mental health groups and men’s groups as well. I myself have found so much solace through talking to friends and speaking to women through women’s groups. So many women share my experiences and although that’s awful I’ve been able to find connection through the support we share for each other.

-Anonymous

[If you have been affected by anything you’ve read in this blog, you can navigate to https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/ for help and resources]